


They're All Dumbasses (but I'm Mostly Looking at You, Spangles)

by SweetBunnii



Series: Ninja Husbands [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Naruto, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Asuka and Kakashi are Married, Asuka is a Good Boi, Asuka tells Rogers off, Author is salty, Civil War Team Iron Man, F/M, Hashirama is Asuka's Great Grandfather, I NEEDED THIS, Kinda, M/M, Mild Homophobic Language, Ninja Husbands!, Not Steve Friendly, Not Steve Rogers Friendly, Period-Typical Homophobia, Scott Lang Neutral, Somewhat Clint Barton Neutral, Somewhat James Barnes Neutral, Somewhat Natasha Romanov Neutral, Somewhat Sam Wilson Neutral, Steve Rogers bashing, Very Tony Stark Friendly, Wanda Maximoff is in Prison, also, fuck you steven, i am made of salt - Freeform, i have much pent up anger towards steve, i refer to rhodey as jim in this bc i refer bucky as james in my head, it turned more into a bit of a joke near the end, mild crack, not team Cap friendly, not wanda maximoff friendly, steve rogers is a BIG hypocrite, this was to satisfy myself honestly, threats of murder, woman deserves it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:00:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25981732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetBunnii/pseuds/SweetBunnii
Summary: Asuka has been alive for just over three thousand years, and never in his life has he seen someone as entitled and self-righteous as the man named Steve Rogers.Or:Asuka is a good boy and tells Steve off for being entitled and homophobic, and Kakashi is there for the ride.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Original Male Character(s), Hatake Kakashi/Suzuki Asuka (OMC), Implied James "Rhodey" Rhodes/Carol Danvers, Implied Tony Stark/Stephen Strange, One-Sided Tony Stark/Steve Rogers, Tony Stark/Stephen Strange
Series: Ninja Husbands [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1886836
Comments: 6
Kudos: 173





	They're All Dumbasses (but I'm Mostly Looking at You, Spangles)

**Author's Note:**

> this is part of an unpublished naruto au that will probably remain unpublished but i thought this was worth posting.
> 
> the naruto world was set in 2000 BC to 1000 BC in japan.

Immediately after the Revised Accords had been released to the public, the Rogues had been issued a pardon. Well. Not exactly a _pardon_ , per say. Upon their return to American soil, they were psychologically evaluated before they could do anything with the Accords or the Avengers. Steve Rogers was to be put under probation alongside Clint Barton and Natasha Romanov, Wanda Maximoff was no longer considered in the roster to even sign the Accords and was promptly arrested for the murder of hundreds, the destruction in Bucharest, forcing the Hulk's attack in Johannesburg and aiding in Ultron's creation, Scott Lang was to be put back on house arrest and the Ant Man suit was taken out of his hands by Pym Tech, Sam Wilson was dishonourably discharged from the Air Force and the Falcon suit was rightfully returned to Stark Industries. Unfortunately, this still meant the Rogues (barring Wanda, who had been stripped of her powers by Doctor Strange and sent to a woman's prison in Sokovia, and Scott, who would return to his home) would be staying in the compound while on probation.

The liaison, Mr. Ryder Miskinis, that worked under the UN and Government had made sure that the compound was cleared of the others the day they returned. Aside from Carol Danvers, no one was to be present so everything could be sorted without conflict or problems. Of course, that wasn't to be said that conflict couldn't arise the days following their return. They were given a floor that was all studio apartments of fairly decent sizes, on the opposite end of the compound. No one else shared the floor, as the New Avengers had apartments directly above the common room, which had been rebuilt to accommodate the sudden influx of people that would be there regularly, visiting or otherwise. It was recommended that enhanced individuals live in the compound, but were not forced into doing so if they already had a place to stay.

A week into the Rogues' return, Rogers had already requested four meetings with Carol and Ryder about mandatory team dinners in failed attempts to get in contact with Tony alone so he could _'apologize'_ (he only gave up when Miskinis said any more requests would be ignored). Asuka considers Kakashi lucky that he'd made the genius decision to stay home for the whole week before he went back to his apartment at the compound. They'd worked out a deal when Kakashi first signed the Accords that he could go back and forth between his home with Asuka and his apartment. Asuka had signed the Accords as well, but only for back up in serious battles, which didn't _technically_ make him an official Avenger. Carol and Tony had said he was welcome in the compound whenever, though. Anyway. The biggest reason Asuka considers Kakashi lucky is because they've met Rogers.

On the battlefield.

In the Second World War.

And, okay, yes, that makes absolutely no sense when there's no explanation for it. They're only alive because the Nine Tails had been sealed inside Asuka before Naruto died, and well, he's got chakra reserves so vast that he's basically immortal and it's kept them alive since 1002 BC. They've not even aged, funnily enough. Unfortunately, that makes it a problem because Rogers knows their faces very well. After all, they were a Captain and a Major, and fairly prominent figures in the military known for their extraordinary skill in hand-to-hand combat. They never made it into the history books, thankfully, but Rogers _will_ recognize them. It's not as though they can just explain that a beast with this anomaly called chakra is the thing that's kept them alive for so long without it being a problem.

Still, Asuka doesn't think he can go without punching the dude in the face for disregarding military _law_ for a guy that doesn't even remember his own nickname and almost murdering the most generous man on Earth. And maybe he's a little more than biased, sue him, but he's allowed his opinions. He's been alive for over three thousand years. He knows what a decent man is and what a decent man isn't. Rogers is not a decent man; he's not a great man, he's not even a good one. He's a self-righteous, entitled little bitch that thinks the world and Tony owes him _everything_. Asuka hates his ignorance and his... entire _being_. Scratch that. Asuka hates him like he hated Madara and Obito and he could seethe about them for days.

Asuka sighs, taking a heavy sip of his morning tea. He's going to need it when the Rogues enter. Did he mention he's at the compound? No? Well, he's at the compound. Kakashi's got his arms around his waist in a very welcome embrace, chin resting atop his head while Hope cooks a load of eggs for breakfast. Tony's half asleep on one of the bar stools at the counter, fiddling with his tablet next to Stephen, who's got a hand on the small of his back. It's adorably domestic and Asuka his happy for the men. Carol is helping Hope with cooking the bacon while Jim pats the plated ones down with a paper towel to take the excess grease off. The shinobi aren't going to eat the eggs or bacon, having already eaten before everyone else woke up as per a habit developed long, long ago. Besides, Asuka would never touch bacon in a million years.

It's only the seven of them this morning. The Defenders are back in Hell's Kitchen for the next two weeks dealing with some wannabe villain, the Guardians are in space with Thor and his crew for the foreseeable future, and the X-Men are off doing whatever they do. Asuka finds the peace and quiet rather nice and he wishes it would stay that way. It's unfortunate that the Rogues exist and nothing's quiet whenever they're around. Now, he doesn't really hold anything against Wilson, Lang or Barton (aside from being complete _dumbasses_ because they decided to follow Rogers blindly without even considering to check what they were fighting about), and he feels a little iffy about Romanov because she had been a somewhat decent person at one point and then she was no longer a decent person, so he feels like he's stuck in limbo about her. Maximoff and Rogers could die and he would laugh, though.

"I am not prepared for the upcoming conversation," Asuka murmurs for only Kakashi to hear, referring to the fact that they'll have to explain how the hell they were in World War Two.

"Neither am I," Kakashi breathes, brushing his fingers over Asuka's stomach, where Kurama's seal is.

Much to his demise, Asuka can hear the elevator clunking up the shaft and the faint murmur of the Rogues' voices blabbering inside. It's a short climb, as the compound is nowhere near as tall as the Tower is. He takes another sip of tea, scrunching his nose up when their scents become more prominent.

"Wow, if traitorous asshole had an official scent, it would have Rogers' name all over it," Asuka says to his husband.

Kurama snickers in the back of his mind and Kakashi joins him, pressing a masked kiss to the top of the younger's head.

"I'm sure a picture of his face would be in the dictionary beneath traitorous asshole, too, if it was a thing," Kakashi adds.

Asuka giggles, because, yes, he is the most accurate description of a traitorous asshole, alongside Obadiah Stane. The elevator slows to a stop, and the doors clang while they slide open, and it has Asuka wondering if Tony could design something quieter for the enhanced people that have sensitive hearing. Out step the Rogues, in all their unwelcome glory. The scent of confusion seeps into the room unpleasantly and Asuka hears the telltale stutter in Rogers' heartbeat at the sight of Tony and Stephen together, and then the pause in it when he spots him and Kakashi. While Barton and Wilson immediately beeline for the fridge, and Natasha offers to help make breakfast, Rogers stays put in front of the elevator. There's a reek in the air, tangy and disgusting, and it can only be recognized as Rogers' sweat. It's filthy. Almost as bad as his scent without the body odour involved. Asuka winces in disgust.

"What're you doing, Steve?" Barton asks, body halfway into the fridge.

The man's still staring at them, horrendously blue eyes wide and almost horrified.

"H-How..." Rogers trails off, and his heart speeds up to something akin to a level of panic, "C-Captain Fields? Major Bell?"

"Those are our names, yes," Kakashi answers blandly.

And he's not lying. It's the translations of their last names, which is what they went by in the 40s. Eventually, they'll have to go by another alias again.

"How are you alive? I-I mean, wereㅡwere you put in the ice too?" Rogers kind of looks like the equivalent of a gaping fish, and it's really not a good look on him.

"We were not," Asuka says, tone as cold as Canada's winters.

"...Then, h-how?" He's still gaping. Asuka wants to punch the expression off his face.

It takes a moment to decide whether they should tell the truth or not. Kakashi pats Asuka's stomach, allowing him to choose what to say because he's the more secretive of the two. In the back of his mind, Kurama shrugs and tells him that it doesn't matter, that it's not like they're any different from aliens, in a sense. It's not as though they're somehow villains for having lived so long.

"We've been alive for a long time, kid," Asuka decides onㅡnot too revealing, and not too little information, "our enhancements allow for it."

They don't need to know about Kurama just yet. Who knows how the Rogues would act if they heard he houses a 'monster'. Probably not very kindly, that's certain.

"You were injected with the serum, too?" Rogers asks incredulously, a disgruntled expression appearing at the thought of it. Like only he should've been the one to get injected with it because he was the almighty Captain America and _the world owes me everything, you must listen to my every word, I am Law_.

"Hell, no," Kakashi scoffs, "god, you're so ignorant it's pathetic. You're still a baseline human, even with the serum. Your lifespan doesn't expand with that stuff."

"For your information, Mr. Rogers, we're from the second millennium." Asuka glowers at the man like he's a giant pile of shit. "That means we were born before Jesus Christ."

Never mind, why not just reveal his whole life story while he's at it. That was not meant to come out of his mouth, but apparently he can't hold his tongue in the presence of selfish and entitled shitheads. Kurama cackles grossly at him, finding the entire situation hilarious, as he usually would with anything that has to do with his Jinchūriki's demise or humiliation.

"Wait, what? You're three thousand years old?" Tony interrupts, doing the mental math with ease because he's a genius no matter what.

"The team didn't know?" And there's Rogers' _I'm disappointed in you_ face. "Look, I don't know how long you've been with the Avengers, but you shouldn't be keeping secrets that big from the team. That's dangerous and untrustworthy."

Asuka has to actually open and close his mouth a few times at his stupidity and hypocrisy. Is this dude serious?

"You must be fucking joking. Secrets? _Secrets?_ I'm not obligated to tell anyone my life story just because we're part of the same team, and they aren't going to force me to because _some people_ actually know what respect is. And would you fucking listen to yourself? Don't you dare talk about trust and secrets when you didn't even bother telling Tony about his parents and Sergeant Barnes, all the while telling your _team_ not to keep any secrets. My god, you are such a fucking hypocrite it makes me want to puke. Your entitled and selfish aura doesn't help either, and you smell so much like a fucking sewer it's honestly disgusting. If traitorous asshole was a stench, people would describe it as you."

Okay, maybe he went a little overboard. But, you know what? Rogers deserves overboard. He needs to be told how much of a piece of shit he is. Because, apparently he doesn't realize how awful he is and it's astonishing how ignorant he is about the matter. And at one point in time, the Suzuki Clan was considered to be the most private and secretive clan of the Five Great Nations, and people were okay with that because most clans had secrets and that was that. Nobody questioned them, and yet, here this dumbass is, questioning him. Kurama kind of sounds like he's dying because Rogers' face is so scrunched up it's gotta be uncomfortable, and it only gets worse when Kakashi presses a grateful kiss to his cheek, fists clenching at the obvious display of affection. Wow. Who knew he had it in him to add to the pile of shit that is Steven Grant Rogers by _still_ being homophobic in this day and age.

Now that Asuka thinks about it, it makes him such an awful hypocrite because he's clearly pining after Tony like he didn't just attempt to murder the man, all the while using him and his money for missions to find his precious Bucket and equipment and gear to help in the process. And yes. Asuka is going to continue calling Sergeant Barnes Bucket. He doesn't hate the guy per say, he's had his fair share of mind control and manipulation, but it still doesn't excuse the fact that he'd joined Rogers in Tony's attempted murder.

"I can't believe Tony let a load of faggots in here," Rogers says, the epitome of disappointment and homophobia.

"Oh. Oh, wow. You're really going there?" Asuka asks in disbelief.

He hears the muscles in Rogers' fist and arm shift more so than he sees them, and before the man can do anything, Asuka's got him encased in a small prison, mumbling _Mokuton: Shichūrou no Jutsu_ under his breath with a quick flick of his wrist. Although the prison's appearance is based on the user's imagination, it looks more like the _Jubaku Eisou_ Jutsu was used, with winding branches shackling Rogers' arms tightly and securing his legs to the ground, warping around his stomach and torso to keep him from writhing.

"You can berate me all you want on any topic that you see fit, but you mention my sexuality?" Asuka breaks from Kakashi's loose hold, only to appear right in Rogers' face milliseconds later, orange slitted eyes that definitely are not his usual faded blue swirling darkly. "You mention my sexuality, and I will slowly tear off each of your limbs until you've got nothing left to tear off, and then I will shove your own dick so far up your ass that it'll reach your throat, and you can bet that I'm not fucking lying. I will _murder_ you if you use any form of homophobic in my vicinity. I could snap your neck right now, so help me god."

The stench of Rogers' body odour increases tenfold at the dangerous tone and words, although his expression doesn't change from one of discomfort and sourness, and it genuinely makes Asuka want to go through with his last sentence. He's not sure how much longer he can simmer in it without feeding into his own and Kurama's irritation.

"Boy snapped," Hope comments offhandedly, somehow unaffected by the situation as she wriggles the eggs out of the pan and onto another plate.

"Deserved it," Stephen adds, distracted by something on Tony's tablet.

"Let him go," Tony sighs reluctantly.

"No." Asuka crosses his arms and faces the tired man, slitted eyes sharp.

"No?" Tony repeats, raising an eyebrow.

"No. He can sit there and repent, and if he complains even once about anything at all, I'll shove a branch in his mouth and tear it up from the inside so it hurts to speak." A thinner branch curls around the structure threateningly, unlike the othersㅡwhich are made up of smoother barkㅡand splintered and cracked in multiple places for maximum discomfort.

"Alright," Tony relents, shrugging because it's not like he doesn't want to laugh about Rogers being strung up in punishment.

"I'll pay for the damages done to the floor when I decide he's free to go," Asuka says, brushing a hand through his oat locks, "oh, and can someone douse him in Febreeze? The smell of his sweat is killing me."

Hope giggles at that, and Carol joins her with a boyish chuckle. Jim takes the honour of grabbing spray bottle of Febreeze and striding over to the wooden prison Rogers is stuck in. The shinobi moves back to Kakashi's embrace so he doesn't get caught up in the spray, smirking at Barton's and Wilson's astounded expressions. It is _indefinitely_ worth revealing their true ages to get the chance to watch Rogers' face scrunch up in disgust as Jim quite literally proceeds to douse him in the scent of lavender and hibiscus. And thank _fuck_ it does wonders to cover the acidic and tangy smell emitting from the dumbass, because Asuka isn't sure he would've been able to stand it much longer.

"Thank you, Jim. Doing everyone with sensitive nose a service," Asuka sighs in relief, inhaling the rest of his tea to help wake him up further.

"It's an honour," Jim jokes, returning to the kitchen to continue patting the bacon down.

"I love watching you handle things like a badass, darling," Kakashi murmurs lovingly, "someone deserves a reward later on."

"I think I'm amenable to that," Asuka hums, heat bubbling in his abdomen at the mere thought.

**Author's Note:**

> Peter returned to the compound later that day, and if he laughed long and hard at the sight of Rogers entangled in a tree, Mr. Stark didn't need to know. After all, the man probably deserved the punishment, no matter how useful he may be in certain battles.


End file.
